Four years ago today, about this time of night, one of my besties, J, and I were sitting at dinner in Richmond. I had already finished one beer while I pregamed waiting for J to arrive and then ordered myself another. We were so excited to have one evening with no husbands, no kids, and nothing else to do but chat, eat and drink the night away.
After dinner, we went back to the hotel room, put on a chick flick that we never intended to watch because the two of us love to talk. We laughed remembering the fun times we had while stationed in Hawaii together just four years prior. We cried a few tears thinking about the weight of adulthood and the pressure of work, and debt, and trying to be everything to everyone. In between topics, I would lift my empty can up and say "one more" and she would bounce across the room and grab me another pint of my light beer and she would sip on her craft beer. We shared many stories, chips and ice cream, but we did not share beer.
When the alarm rang in the morning signaling it was time to get ready for our ladies conference, I got up to mix my energy drink (Spark, of course) and to take a shower. I grabbed a cold water out of the refrigerator and realized there was no beer left. I asked J what she did with the rest. She said, "you drank them".
I drank them?
This seemed inconceivable considering the Coors Light pints I picked up came in packs of nine. I looked to the trash bin. There were nine pints of Silver Bullet shining back at me. Nine pints! Add the one from the restaurant and... well... I don't have to tell you, for someone who used to have a rule that two regular drinks was my limit when not at home, I had compromised who I expected myself to be.
As I sat in the "Pursuit" ladies conference a couple hours later, hungover and feeling terrible, I listened to women just like me who were chasing their dreams. Each one commented that they chose to remove things from their lives that had been holding them back. Doing so allowed space for better things to come along. One girl gave up cable, another stopped eating out, a third quit going to Starbucks. The goals were better health, improved fitness, debt reduction, and more. I needed all of that. I wanted it all.
I sat there absolutely sick. Hungover sick, but also sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. Tired of trying to keep up with the Joneses only to find out that the Joneses were trying to keep up with me. We were all just increasing our debt, increasing our weight and increasing our stress.
It was at that conference I finally listened to the prompting God had put on my heart. I knew alcohol had become a stronghold for me. I knew it was no longer something I has control over. One would lead to three and it was not what I wanted for my life any more. More specifically, it was not what I wanted my daughters to see in their mother.
I quit drinking. I did not have "one more". Not one more.
It was not easy, but it was simple. I drew a line in the sand that I would not cross. Not matter the temptation, I would not give in. And the temptations came. The temptations came from everywhere.
From one of my dearest guy friends: "You don't drink too much. You can have just one." - No, I drank almost every day. I hid it sometimes. You weren't around me all the time so you couldn't have known. It's ok, you didn't know.
From a personal trainer buddy: "One day you can start drinking again." -Old habits die hard. I am not going back, no thank you.
From a member of my small group: "You can have wine." - Alcohol is alcohol.
From a family member: But you're more fun when you are drinking. - If that is the Carrie you want to be around, then you don't need to be around me. I am not the alcohol. I would rather you like 100% real Carrie than Carrie 4-proof.
Alcohol was a stronghold for me, something that just kept me in. It isn't any longer. I don't share this because it is easy. I share because it is difficult. If difficult for me, then I know someone else is struggling with it, too.
If I wore a sticker label for all the things in my past that could define me you wouldn't see skin. So, I will not wear the badge "alcoholic" just like I don't wear the badge "Binge Eating Disorder" or "Anxiety Disorder" or "Just Plain Crazy". The labels I chose to wear should be evident without a sticker. If they aren't, I have more work to do.
Your stronghold may not be alcohol. Whatever it is, keeping it to yourself is not the answer. Confide in someone. You will be amazed at how much pressure is released just by sharing your burden with another. Decide the labels you are currently wearing and those you wish to shed. Then, shed them. It won't be easy - but it will be worth it.
Love and Smiles, Carrie Kendon
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"When you’re six months sober, a year sober, you can see your bottom in a rearview mirror. As you continue your sobriety, like a road trip, you begin to lose focus of where you began. The route begins to get sunny. You open the window and feel better, stronger, and full of life! Hoooray! I feel wonderful, alive! You get distracted and forget about what brought you to this gorgeous new place."-Jen McNeely
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Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.(PHIL2:4)
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