I didn't sleep well last night. The weight I chose to hold was heavy. The key there, the weight I chose to hold. Therefore, I can choose to not hold it. Three specific matters disallowed my mind to quiet. Three specific thoughts allowed me to drop the weight.
1. Over the past few years, while transforming my own health, I have had the opportunity to help hundreds of others do the same. The incredible success and transformations that I have been blessed to play a small role in has fueled a passion to continue this as part of my life's work. When a family member or close friend in need doesn't allow me to help them, especially when they believe false information, I internally question why. When this happens, it brings up feelings of inadequacy. In my head, I know my strengths and accomplishments, and I understand their decisions really have nothing to do with me, but my emotions are true none the less. Should I push back? Should I call out their misinformation? Should I just continue to love them exactly where they are, even though I want better for them? --- While thinking about this last night, I thought back to those who likely felt or feel the exact same way about me; left frustrated with my ignorance or stubbornness. I'd probably have a difficult time counting the number of people who knew better and yet I dismissed them. Jung said, “Through pride we are ever deceiving ourselves. But deep down below the surface of the average conscience a still, small voice says to us, something is out of tune". I realized, I just want to be in tune.
2. After two weeks with us working his internship for Safe House Project, yesterday was my nephew Jeffrey's last night. His final semester of undergrad begins in four days and he needs to get back to New York. I know the plan is to have much more time together in the future, but pre-mourning the temporary "farewell for now" was on my heart last night. Born ten months after I joined the Navy, JW and I never had quality time like this. He is 21 years old, and although my sister did an incredible job assuring I knew of all his youth milestones, I missed most of them. Saddened about that for a bit of time, a thought overcame me; If I hadn't chosen the path for my life, I would not be where I am now. And I am exactly where I am supposed to be. The truth is, everything led to this trip and our time with Jeffrey. What a blessing it is to have someone choose to spend time here with us, support a non-profit I care so deeply about, and to build a lifelong friendship with a young man I am so thankful I can call my nephew.
3. A conversation with my teen last night was tense for a few moments. The ending was lovely with a wonderful sense of unity and long term dreaming, but with most emotional exchanges, I look back and pick it apart. As I laid in bed, I wondered if I could have reached the same, positive, conclusion easier. Should I have asked a better question? Did I get to the heart of the matter like I believed I did or is there more? Did I really call her spoiled? The truth that finally allowed me to sleep was the simple knowledge that we talked. She and I don't hide problems as if they never happened, we discuss them. She knows she is allowed to tell me how she really feels and I will love and respect her unconditionally. I know that in the moments I am not at my mothering best, she gives me grace. I love the Gudenkauf quote, “Having a little girl has been like following an old treasure map with the important paths torn away", because I believe my daughter is a gift, a treasure; she is unique. As her mom, I am entrusted to help her find her way along her own journey. Fortunate for me, she is helping me find my way, too.
Last night, my mind was awake so I didn't fall asleep easily. Changing how I was thinking about the situations bouncing in my head allowed me to finally get some rest. Instead of continuing to bear the weight of my negative thoughts, I put them down in exchange for lighter, more positive ones.
1. I can not help everyone, but I will help those who allow me to.
2. I may not have lived near my nephew when he was growing up, but my being away and forging my own path is opening doors for him now.
3. Being a mother is a gift. Being the mother to my daughters, is a treasure.
*this had been in draft since January 2019
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