We look into one another’s social media lives and make assumptions that their life is either better or worse than ours without knowing what’s actually going on. We judge without reasonable inquiry. We post quotes that say, “everyone is fighting battles you know nothing about”, or something similar, and then forget to use that lens as we speak to or about someone else. If I am honest, even though I strive to be cognizant of not doing so,I am guilty of this .
Let’s say we haven't spoken in six months.... if so, you don't really know me nor I you. Haven't spoken in 5 years? You definitely don't know me. 10 years? Fuhgedaboutit. You won't know me through this one blog, either, but this will reveal a little more about my struggles because what I put on Facebook is positive and some people think I believe I have it all together. If I am honest, most days I have moments when I feel like I am losing it.
Some people think I believe I have it all together.
I choose to be positive, but that doesn't mean I am not in a daily battle with many of the same enemies as everyone else. I simply hope the battles I come through can help others fight the way through theirs.
I daily battle the same enemies as everyone else.
Now please allow me to share a little about the darker side of myself ...
I love Hershey’s, cheeseburgers, fuji apple chicken salads and buffalo sauce. I am a recovering binge eater. Emotional eating overpowered me for years. I was a food hider. I joked about food to hide my shame. The past few years have been a long, slow learning process on how to notice my triggers and to get back on track before I derail, but, I still struggle from time to time. I have to be conscious daily about balancing the opposing desires to not eat enough with not eating too much, while still enjoying food. I used to have good years and bad years. Then good months and bad months. Now I have it down to where I can notice myself going off track within days. Not perfection, but progress.
I am a recovering binge eater.
I like winter. I absolutely love sitting under a throw blanket, wearing a scarf and a good pair of riding boots. If I am honest, I love the cold weather mostly because I get to hide behind the layers. There is comfort in being covered. But there is freedom in not needing that comfort anymore. The past couple summers I wore bikinis for the first time since I was 12 years old. It was incredible and I had new confidence, but I always had a cover up right near the pool. It was a safety net that nobody else noticed. Even at my fittest, I was insecure.
It was a safety net that nobody else noticed.
My primary job is loving my husband. He and I have great purpose in life. I never knew exactly what I was meant to do, but raising our girls together has been my most favorite job. If I am honest, though, I feel like a fraud. I am not rocking this wife or this homeschool thing like I expected. I don't prepare my husband's lunches or do his laundry. I allow hurts from before I met Joe to unjustly question his motives. And I try to control so much of what we do in pursuit of a seemingly perfect life together and often lose sight of the fact that we are absolutely perfect together already, imperfections and all. When it comes to homeschooling, my girls do their classes online because we fought a lot when I was their primary teacher. Clara hasn't completed a handwritten lesson in who knows how long and her penmanship is setting her up to be a doctor; if you know what I mean. I absolutely love being home and being the primary influence in their lives but with that comes two things; great responsibility and the fact that they are always around. Always. The mom guilt I used to have for working outside the home has transferred to mom guilt for when I need to get away from the house for just a little bit of me time. They don't do this to me, I do. It feels like I fail because all I wanted was to be home with them and I am and so I shouldn't want time away? I know self-care and "me time" is needed, but there is a double-edged sword of motherhood, whether a mom works out of the home or not, and the self-imposed guilt feels the same. I have come to learn that most moms feel this way and worrying that we aren't doing good enough means we probably are.
I feel like a fraud.
My name is Carrie Kendon (Grey) Sanders. I love my married name just as much as my maiden name because it’s the name of my husband and more specifically, our daughters. My maiden name holds great honor and respect for me, and the Grey name has seen tragedy and triumph. My middle name is Kendon, after my two biological grandfathers Ken and Don. Two vastly different people, both incredible influences in my life.
If I am honest, though, my extended family is fractured. The reasons for this are varied; decades long hurts never reconciled, generational curses yet unbroken, ignorance blocking the way of change, many words spoken without quality communication, sometimes no communication at all--- all leading to a mirage of impasse and numerous heart aches. I feel a burden to help fix it and yet, if I am doubly honest, most days it is easier to just look to our family of four and vow to fix our futures alone. This is not my heart, though, we are all made for more. Restoration is within reach.
My extended family is fractured.
I am a friend. I spend hours listening to and counseling those who trust me with their emotions. I put aside my own projects to go to lunch with someone in pain. I have had cramped hands from messages back and forth with friends who just needed someone to be there. If I am honest, though, there are many days I feel alone. Going through my own struggles and not having the people who promised to be here give me the same time afforded to them hurts. Being on the phone with a friend and never being asked about my latest doctor appointment or mental status sends me into a protective, introverted state. I think to myself, "they blew it, I am not opening up now", but that doesn't really help. To be doubly honest, I am not a very good friend to those who don't reach out to me, so how can I expect anyone to do the same? We are perpetuating the very thing that hurts us and we have the ability to stop the cycle.
There are many days I feel alone.
I am teammate, entrepreneur, and leader. I am a great cheerleader. Encouragement is one of my strengths, but if I am honest, I get discouraged easily when others aren't ignited by my zeal. I have to make a conscious effort to wake each day striving to only be better than I was the day before. Being doubly honest, some days I don't feel like I get better, thankfully I love math and the law of averages. Over time, I have grown and on the days I wake feeling like I failed before I even get out of bed, I simply choose to focus on the good and claim the day.
I get discouraged easily.
I am a natural empath. My heart breaks for the heartache of others and I desire to help anyone and everyone I can. I may not always go about it the way someone would best receive it. The other day, I was called self-righteous. If I am being honest, I had some choice four letter words that could have easily been thrown like darts back at the messenger of that description. Instead, I chose not to allow the words to hurt me and instead chose to listen to where they came from. I don't believe the phrase describes me justly, however, there was something I did to provoke a hostile response and I owned what was mine. I apologized. I am a work in progress and I am not going to get it all right. But I will continue to do what's right.
I was called self-righteous.
The same day, I was applauded for "not having financial concerns", when that couldn't be further from the truth. We are still six figures in debt. A power couple that each made six figures in income per year that already paid down over $400,000 worth debt still has six figures worth of debt. In 20 months, my husband will retire from the Navy. He will give up half his base salary and all his extra pays and we still have over $100,000 in credit debt alone. Oh yes, we have financial concerns. What I don't have is "worry". We have a plan. Using our company's FREE DebtBusters system, applying the principles within, and building our business, we know we will be debt free once and for all and we will make legacy leaving income along the way.
We are still six figures in debt.
I used to be consumed by alcohol. I drank every day. Although I never drove under the influence or put my children's life in imminent danger, I was on the path to destruction that alcohol brings. I spent more time drinking beer than I did working out. Quality time was often under the influence and my physical and emotional health was taking the hits. Alcohol was one vice that God had me put down that I never picked back up, but if I am honest, friends still say, "I know you don't drink but we are going to (insert place here)" and it stings. It feels like I have a caveat over my name in everyone's mind. I wouldn't say, "I know you don't like roller coasters, but we are going to Busch Gardens". There is much more to quality time than one fraction of the event. I have gone to Wine festivals since I quit drinking. I have gone to breweries. I make one great designated driver, but if I am doubly honest, there are days I know I just don't fit in there anymore.
I used to be consumed by alcohol.
I set out on a track toward peak physical, mental and emotional health, and for a stretch of time, I had achieved it. This year presented a medical battle I didn’t see coming. It started with feeling lightheaded more frequently when working out and then I got more headaches. I knew something wasn't right but I could manage on my own for a while. This summer, my headaches became daily and I couldn't move my neck. After a series of doctors appointments and a lot of research, I was diagnosed with Intracranial Hypertension and prescribed medications. There are more tests to be run and possibly some interventions that can alleviate or cure it, but I still have a road ahead. Between that and my torn rotator cuff, I backed off my normal workout routine. The meds came with their own side effects, I got lost a little inside my own irritation and it seemed like life as I knew it just a few months prior was gone. I didn't want anyone to worry. I didn't tell everyone I had a few dizzy spells, hadn't said a word when my headaches got bad and I was on the verge of losing my vision and before I knew it I was at a major diagnosis. And I had only told a few people. I was Miss Positive and I felt the window to invite people in was closed. If I am honest, I wanted to be who I was and admitting how much this new condition was effecting everything made it seem more real - so I didn't want to admit it.
This year presented a medical battle I didn’t see coming.
That is where the darkness ends.
If I am honest, I was fully prepared for the struggles of 2018. I spent the previous four years focusing on losing weight and gaining health. If I hadn't done so, this season would look much different. Due to the constraints I have at this time, I backed off my most challenging workouts and don’t feel as good about my physique; however, I know that even though I cannot do what I was doing doesn't mean I can't do anything. I am not defined by the biceps and abs I finally started to see. I could think the thousands of squats were pointless, but that couldn’t be farther from the truth. This has been a season of slowing down, a necessary season of rest. Until I am back to full capacity, I am learning to love the body that I am in, I focus on taking the best supplements to hold onto the lean muscle mass I worked so hard for, to strengthen and maintain my immunity and take care of myself in the best way possible. This body of mine grew our incredible daughters and one day it will rock our grandbabies. My workouts now look different, but my fitness and self care is still a priority.
I was fully prepared for the struggles of 2018.
I believe that leaving a legacy to my family and to help others do the same is my purpose. Every struggle I face becomes a lesson in grace and a message to pass on. This cannot be done with missed opportunities and negativity. And it cannot be done alone. If you need help in the areas of health, fitness, finances and/or positive thinking, reach out. You are here for a reason and you are worth making it through the struggles you are in. You are worth the fight.
