There is a song by Luke Combs called Beautiful Crazy. The first line does not describe me at all, but the rest of the song, well, I feel like those are words my husband could have written about me before.
Before.
Before, what?
I guess that is the question, right?
People say things like, "the honeymoon is over".
We didn't get married for a honeymoon. We didn't plan a honeymoon on purpose. We got married because we wanted to be together and buy a house and start a life and be committed. And we are. We still never had a honeymoon.
We do
have a cruise booked for six months from now that will be the first solo vacation he and I will ever take that didn't include a Navy port call. That's pretty cool, but, that's not the point of this message.
Wedding vows say, "for better or for worse" for a reason. That reason is because there will be worse but there will also be better. Right now I am going through some medical things that also effect me emotionally and mentally.
My normal operating mode is a good kind of crazy, spontaneous, yet very much organized and planned. Joe is typically very regimented and reliable, but we are both out of sorts lately.
Some of the words to the song are:
Beautiful, crazy, she can't help but amaze me
The way that she dances, ain't afraid to take chances
And wears her heart on her sleeve
Yeah, she's crazy but her crazy's beautiful to me
She makes plans for the weekend, can't wait to go out
Till she changes her mind, says 'let's stay on the couch and watch TV'
And she falls asleep
She's unpredictable, unforgettable
It's unusual, unbelievable
How I'm such a fool, yeah I'm such a fool for her
When I heard this song today I began to mourn for the me I was just a year ago, or maybe even 6 months ago. Hiking the Appalachian trail, managing a gym, leading ladies only boot camps, running circles around my kids, actually doing Pinteresty things. I got real sad. Then I got angry. I told Joe I was done adulting for the day and he shouldn't even talk to me because nothing nice was going to come out of my mouth. And then I prayed and ate some lunch and then I wept.
I wept. I surrender. I am broken.
I am not going to believe the lies that I was telling myself.
I will not be defeated. I am not afraid. I am an overcomer.
Tomorrow I am leaving for an all ladies retreat. I will be gone a few days. I truly believe the timing is exactly right. God knew I would need exactly this conference, exactly this weekend. The obstacles placed before me that could have led to my not going can be a blog post alone, but I am going.
“Satan had made it his aim to distract you from who you really are and what the purpose of your life really is. It is his focused objective to lure you out of the path of strength, life, and authority and into a course of intentional destruction.” ― Lisa Bevere
For better or for worse, all the time. And now.
written November 2018
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